So after a very sporadic couple of months I felt like it was time to give you a little update on what’s been going on in my life and why things have been so off with me. I am going to put a little warning here that there will be talk about mental health so if that is something that might upset you then please leave the post now and I will see you in my next one.
Around April time I started to notice myself becoming anxious over stupid little things like walking into my world lit lecture because the amount of people in there terrified me. Especially as they all had a habit of turning straight to the door to see who was walking in. There was a lot of things that my brain was trying to work through and they were things that I had no control over but my brain didn’t want to accept that. They were things that had already happened or things that can’t be changed as much as I want them to. I’m not going into detail about what they are right now because they’re very personal things that I’m not ready to put on the internet but I’m sure I will one day. I spent most of my time in my room panicking about leaving the flat and it became all I did which meant I was falling behind on work and the blog. It all just kind of built up to a massive shit show. My brain was taking to me some dark places but I didn’t want to talk about it anyone because I believed that I was just being stupid and people would laugh at me for it but my stepmum and me had a long conversation which really helped me put things into perspective.
On top of that, at the start of summer I started to find myself becoming ill and permanently exhausted again which I started to realise meant that anemia was probably back and in true ‘my body hates me’ fashion … It is. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and I had absolutely no creative ideas coming in which broke me because I don’t want to be doing the same as everybody else … I missed my ideas. I was napping for hours during the day and waking up so late which is just not me at all. My energy was gone but the iron tablets are finally kicking in and Im starting feel a lot better … Minus the dizziness and nausea (fun times!). I’m napping so much less but my concentration still isn’t fully there but it’s getting there slowly.
I also found that I lost a lot of my motivation because I just wasn’t seeing any interaction with my blog and I don’t mean that in a ‘omg I’m not getting veiws’ way but the aim for my blog is to be an escape for 5 minutes for people who may not be having it the easiest but I didn’t feel like it was doing that. It’s a blog about silly, trivial things like makeup because sometimes you just need to read something like that to take your mind off the big things. I couldn’t see my blog helping anyone but I’ve now realised that it is helping somebody … Me. It’s my break and it’s my escape. Obviously I hope other people are enjoying reading it and I hope people start interacting with me more but I can’t base how my blog runs off that or I may as well shut it down.
I found myself falling out of love with makeup as well which obviously hindered my ability to write as 90% of my content is about makeup. Well, I didn’t fall out of love with it as such but totally lacked any motivation with it and just didn’t feel like I had the energy to put it on. I wasn’t feeling confident with or without it and so I just didn’t see the point in bothering to wear it.
Now, 5 months down the line, I am back in London for university and already feel so much more positive. Im excited to start my new modules and meet new people rather than being scared at the prospect of it. Im still physically not in best place but my mental health is certainly on the up. My relationship is going so perfect and we have now been together almost a year and a half; Jack was absolutely amazing in supporting me through all this even when he wasn’t in the best shape himself. I’ve started to feel so much more confident in myself again and am wearing makeup more frequently while also finding myself so excited to try new products. I’ve completed a lot of the planning the my novel so I am now in the process of starting to properly write it out which I am so excited for as it has taken me years to get to this point.
I started a new job working as a residence ambassador for my university and while the first two weeks were very intense, Im enjoying every single second (plus my bank balance is going to love me at the end of it!). It’s made me ready to meet new people and help then as they start the scary transition of being in their first year of uni.
I hope you guys are not too annoyed at my upload situation but I promise you that I am going to be uploading atleast once a week from now on and they will become more frequent as I adjust to my new mindset and get even more positive about life. I know it doesn’t seem like I’ve said much but I didn’t want to get into things too deep as that is now who I am but I thought I’d give a brief explanation.
Please leave any ideas that you may have for me in either my Instagram DM’s or in the comment section below.
All my love,